"To infinity and beyond."

I put you in a box today.

Rose petals. Corsages. Little notes. Receipts.
They all got lost through the years from meddling parents or deemed unnecessary to keep.

Birthday cards. Christmas Cards. Valentine's day cards. Poems.
They've surfaced today. Things I've forgotten about, tossed into a box meant for memories, but really never given a second thought. Those second thoughts came up today.

Ceramic figurines from Chinatown in SF. Old pictures. Stuffed Animals.
I remember one of the ceramic figurines broke once. It was during one of our "down" times. I cried. Because a stupid little $5 thing broke. Minh-Vu told me it was sign that I still had feelings for you. He was right.

All these things were put into a box labeled "Cheryl's Life; do not throw away (2005 - 2007)" and placed into the garage.

You're still the only one that's ever given me a full bouquet of lilies. The only one that's given me 3 birthday cards for a single birthday.

You once called our connection "eternally unbreakable" and described our relationship as "infinity and beyond." I'm grown up enough to know that these kinds of words are only ever true in the moment.

---------------------------------------

But I need you to go away now. Everything about you is just a reminder of the guilt that I wear with me everyday over what I did to you. I'll always carry it with me, so I don't need to be reminded. I once thought that we could be friends, that we could salvage the good parts of it all. But I guess too much pain has been done to both sides. I can't say I regret it though. Even though it hurts to be with him too sometimes-- knowing I compromised my morals for him. He's what I need. He makes me better.
I'm sorry. I know no matter how many times I say it, it won't be okay. But I'm truly, ever so deeply sorry.


I put you in a box today because my dreams are coming true and you aren't there. So go away. I need to be with the people that are here.



"To infinity and beyond."
Not.


But that's okay.
I'll be okay.


And so will you.

I love my brother.

I am ridiculously lucky to have my brother with me in my life.
I absolutely despise having to explain to my mother what I'm going to be doing every single moment of the day. Granted, I'm much better off than a lot of other people when it comes to the "crazy mom," but my mom does have the tendency to need to know where i am, and who I'm with, what we're doing all the damn time.

If she had her way, I'm pretty sure she'd want me to call her every time my friends and I moved from one place to another. Since I love spontaneity, I find it much easier to text my technologically competent brother and let him relay the messages. :)

It's nice having him around as someone to support through all things crazy. I don't think I ever tell him enough though. I'm too busy teasing him about being a womanizer. :)

So here's to you Derek, the best little brother
(that I will always beat up even when you go and bulk up in the army) :) <3

Hopes & Dreams

I want to accomplish so much in the next few years. Field studies, volunteer projects, teaching, and so much more. It feels like life is just flying by, and I haven't gotten the chance to do everything I've wanted to do yet.

As time as by, the more I want to move to the City. I love New York City, and I'm just aching to go back. I want just immerse myself into the culture there. I've been looking in to grad schools on the East Coast. After nearly 2 decades in California, I think I'm going to be ready and uproot and see if I can make it on my own with out my crazy, psychopathic, I mean, loving and adoring family.

I want to see the world, but I think I may have to do it alone. Strangely, I think I'm okay with that. All my life I looked for people to stand by me through thick and thin, and love me for me -- unconditionally. I cannot begin to express my gratitude to my mother's side of my family. My grandparents, aunts, and uncles who have have been there for so many of milestones when my parents weren't. <3


*There's no place like home. There's no place like home*

Where Google goes. Cheryl goes.

Here's to a new chapter.