I put you in a box today.
Rose petals. Corsages. Little notes. Receipts.
They all got lost through the years from meddling parents or deemed unnecessary to keep.
Birthday cards. Christmas Cards. Valentine's day cards. Poems.
They've surfaced today. Things I've forgotten about, tossed into a box meant for memories, but really never given a second thought. Those second thoughts came up today.
Ceramic figurines from Chinatown in SF. Old pictures. Stuffed Animals.
I remember one of the ceramic figurines broke once. It was during one of our "down" times. I cried. Because a stupid little $5 thing broke. Minh-Vu told me it was sign that I still had feelings for you. He was right.
All these things were put into a box labeled "Cheryl's Life; do not throw away (2005 - 2007)" and placed into the garage.
You're still the only one that's ever given me a full bouquet of lilies. The only one that's given me 3 birthday cards for a single birthday.
You once called our connection "eternally unbreakable" and described our relationship as "infinity and beyond." I'm grown up enough to know that these kinds of words are only ever true in the moment.
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But I need you to go away now. Everything about you is just a reminder of the guilt that I wear with me everyday over what I did to you. I'll always carry it with me, so I don't need to be reminded. I once thought that we could be friends, that we could salvage the good parts of it all. But I guess too much pain has been done to both sides. I can't say I regret it though. Even though it hurts to be with him too sometimes-- knowing I compromised my morals for him. He's what I need. He makes me better.
I'm sorry. I know no matter how many times I say it, it won't be okay. But I'm truly, ever so deeply sorry.
I put you in a box today because my dreams are coming true and you aren't there. So go away. I need to be with the people that are here.
"To infinity and beyond."
Not.
But that's okay.
I'll be okay.
And so will you.
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This blog was amazingly written. I don't know if I could still write the way you do.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you put him in a box today.
The other day, I threw the roses he gave me for Valentine's away. I don't know why exactly. I just felt like I didn't need any reminders of him anymore.
I love you.
"I will never forget the way it felt with you, but I am no longer trapped inside that memory. This is goodbye to the time where you were what I always wanted."
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