Argh.

I love my family, I really do.
I just wish that this love wasn't partially [mostly] out of obligation and guilt.

There is something seriously wrong when I am more comfortable hugging friends and coworkers rather than my family.

Drowning.

I feel like I'm drowning.

I feel so damn cheated out of my college life.

I had two amazing college years where I finally feel like I found a good group of friends -- small, but good.

Now anyone I had any kind of close connection with is gone for one reason or another -- except my boyfriend.

And now, I don't even know what to do. It's so hard to meet people and find friends after a certain amount of time. And even when I do meet people, many times all anyone ever wants to do is drink, smoke up, or something along that nature.

Sure there are some people that I will have conversations with to catch up soon or have already and there are some close friends that I know I can talk to or rely on. I know I can talk to some coworkers even. But the people that I hang out with all the time are gone and I have no idea what to do with myself.

I'm just really lost right now, and I don't know where to even begin to find my way again. =\

You're fat.

I wish my family could understand that when you're in college, stressing out about money, grades, and the future, the last concern on your mind is what you're eating.

Yes, I've gained a noticeable amount of weight in the past two years.
However, what I traded for the extra weight were good grades, some-what financial stability, and a plan for the future.

I work 2 jobs and I go to school full-time. I'm trying to pay most, if not all of my undergraduate debt before I get into my graduate debt. Sorry, but I'm not too concerned about eating a healthy meal for dinner when I have 2 finals the next day. I'm pretty much making that 5 minute cup of noodle to stuff in my face for 2 minutes so I can get back to studying.

And if I don't remember ever seeing you in my life time, even if you are my grandfather's brother, and you've flown from Australia to visit the family, the first words out of your mouth when I see/meet you cannot be "Wow, you're huge."
To think, I gave up time with friends to be ridiculed by "family."

Of course, at the end of the night , I got yelled at because I'm an "ungrateful" child, and that those individuals that I call "terribly, rude, people" just "care about my well-being."
Excuse me while I gag on air quotes.

If that's the way you show that you care about me, stop caring about me. I don't need you to.
Honestly, it's a wonder how I haven't developed an eating disorder yet.

And if I were to be completely honest, I would say I'm getting closer and closer to that bridge everyday I spend with my family.

One, Two, Three, Four.

ONE.
I miss my friends. I work nearly everyday except for Tuesdays, but I have class Mondays through Thursdays. I can't stomach noting being there for my friends when they need me. I don't even know why, but I hate it when I appear not very dependable. Apologies, loves. I don't get reception at the Buddhist retreat so I just keep my phone off. Leave me a message or send a text because I can see it the moment I reenter the service area. I also want to mention right now how much I absolutely love K & R. I know we all have busy schedules that totally conflict with each other, but the fact that we can still find the time to do something -- talk on the phone, gmail chat, or hang out --and not feel a strain in the relationship, is awesome. Truly.



TWO.

"Someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you’ve always wanted. If your someday was yesterday, learn. If your someday is tomorrow, hope. If your someday is today, cherish."

Words cannot even begin to describe how in love I am with him. You know when you hear stories about how someone is so in love they want to just shout it out loud? I always use to think those people were just insane. But he makes me feel like I can fly. I'm pretty sure I can do anything when I'm with him. Maybe not perform open heart surgery, but a lot of other things. I think I believe in fairytales again. <3

THREE.
I've accepted it. I was so use to fighting for our friendship until I realized, I really don't want a friend like you. The balls in your court, if you want it to happen, it can happen. If not, don't expect anything from me.

FOUR.
I love my dad so much. I really wish he would stop. It hurts so bad, and I try my best to laugh all the time around him, but I really, really wish he would stop doing the one thing that's killing him. Other than that, my dad is an effing badass. I bet you couldn't change your own IV line. Yeah, that's right, he can set up an IV with one hand.

Crumbling.

I don't think I realized how incredibly lonely I feel until the first week of summer.
I've been going hard for so long, and have been around people so much that when I was alone, I just couldn't deal.

That scared me so much. I've never been in a situation where I felt uncomfortable being by myself. They almost felt like anxiety attacks.

I don't even know how it got to this point. I guess I just got really use to never having time to myself. I would have 12 hour long days, then go to a room with 3 other people there. It's just really quiet nowadays.

I've been trying to deal with it. Alone. So far it's been going okay. I've added to my plate. By this September, I'll have 3 jobs and school full-time. As far as the summer goes, I've been taking classes, working out, working at the library, and knitting a lot.

It's been hard. I especially took a blow when I realized that I probably mean less to some friends than they do to me. It hurt. A lot. But, I bounced back. It just sucks thinking about it.

Thanks for being there practically every week friend. <3

Its not that I don't have friends that'll be there. It's not that at all. I know you they are. I just need to be okay with me again.

Sorry, I know this was a little all over the place.
I just feel all over the place lately.

I wish.

I wish you could see how amazing your daughter is.
Everyday I see her working her ass off for her dreams.
And when you get in her way, she regroups, and accommodates for you.
She rearranges everything -- including putting more on her plate, FOR YOU.
Yet, you have the audacity to say she's ungrateful.
Maybe you need to stop, and think about your relationship with her.
Maybe you are the ungrateful one.

There she is, everyday, being the best her she can be,
doing everything in her power to make you proud of her.
And being a kick-ass friend to us too.

One day, you're going to wake-up, and realize how truly terrible you are to her,
and she won't be there.
And it'll be all your fault.
Don't let that happen.
Love her for who she is, and tell her.
She's one of the most beautiful women -- inside and out.
Don't make the biggest mistake of your life and not be there to witness it all.

"To infinity and beyond."

I put you in a box today.

Rose petals. Corsages. Little notes. Receipts.
They all got lost through the years from meddling parents or deemed unnecessary to keep.

Birthday cards. Christmas Cards. Valentine's day cards. Poems.
They've surfaced today. Things I've forgotten about, tossed into a box meant for memories, but really never given a second thought. Those second thoughts came up today.

Ceramic figurines from Chinatown in SF. Old pictures. Stuffed Animals.
I remember one of the ceramic figurines broke once. It was during one of our "down" times. I cried. Because a stupid little $5 thing broke. Minh-Vu told me it was sign that I still had feelings for you. He was right.

All these things were put into a box labeled "Cheryl's Life; do not throw away (2005 - 2007)" and placed into the garage.

You're still the only one that's ever given me a full bouquet of lilies. The only one that's given me 3 birthday cards for a single birthday.

You once called our connection "eternally unbreakable" and described our relationship as "infinity and beyond." I'm grown up enough to know that these kinds of words are only ever true in the moment.

---------------------------------------

But I need you to go away now. Everything about you is just a reminder of the guilt that I wear with me everyday over what I did to you. I'll always carry it with me, so I don't need to be reminded. I once thought that we could be friends, that we could salvage the good parts of it all. But I guess too much pain has been done to both sides. I can't say I regret it though. Even though it hurts to be with him too sometimes-- knowing I compromised my morals for him. He's what I need. He makes me better.
I'm sorry. I know no matter how many times I say it, it won't be okay. But I'm truly, ever so deeply sorry.


I put you in a box today because my dreams are coming true and you aren't there. So go away. I need to be with the people that are here.



"To infinity and beyond."
Not.


But that's okay.
I'll be okay.


And so will you.

I love my brother.

I am ridiculously lucky to have my brother with me in my life.
I absolutely despise having to explain to my mother what I'm going to be doing every single moment of the day. Granted, I'm much better off than a lot of other people when it comes to the "crazy mom," but my mom does have the tendency to need to know where i am, and who I'm with, what we're doing all the damn time.

If she had her way, I'm pretty sure she'd want me to call her every time my friends and I moved from one place to another. Since I love spontaneity, I find it much easier to text my technologically competent brother and let him relay the messages. :)

It's nice having him around as someone to support through all things crazy. I don't think I ever tell him enough though. I'm too busy teasing him about being a womanizer. :)

So here's to you Derek, the best little brother
(that I will always beat up even when you go and bulk up in the army) :) <3

Hopes & Dreams

I want to accomplish so much in the next few years. Field studies, volunteer projects, teaching, and so much more. It feels like life is just flying by, and I haven't gotten the chance to do everything I've wanted to do yet.

As time as by, the more I want to move to the City. I love New York City, and I'm just aching to go back. I want just immerse myself into the culture there. I've been looking in to grad schools on the East Coast. After nearly 2 decades in California, I think I'm going to be ready and uproot and see if I can make it on my own with out my crazy, psychopathic, I mean, loving and adoring family.

I want to see the world, but I think I may have to do it alone. Strangely, I think I'm okay with that. All my life I looked for people to stand by me through thick and thin, and love me for me -- unconditionally. I cannot begin to express my gratitude to my mother's side of my family. My grandparents, aunts, and uncles who have have been there for so many of milestones when my parents weren't. <3


*There's no place like home. There's no place like home*

Where Google goes. Cheryl goes.

Here's to a new chapter.